The Brink

Have you ever felt on the brink? Like points are colliding, moving through each other, through you, and passing out on the other side somehow changed, fuzzy, connected. Those ideas, those moments in time where you think “this is my dream” and you do the cliche move of projecting your thoughts out there. I never believed it, you know when movies show the main character accomplishing the thing that they dreamed of when they were a kid? The realist in me says it's not possible, that it's both strangely unlikely and a fantasy. You hear and read these sayings...beware of getting what you wish for. Are they designed to scare us? To take away our hope? To dash our very dreams? What if we wish, wish, wish? What if we know, in our endless heart of hearts, that we're suppose to be something, or do something? Are we fooling ourselves? Is it a mechanism of some perverse aspect of the survival instinct? We have to rise above. To make our mark. To climb the fucking mountain and plant our flag in the ground.

But we're not all born to be heroes. That would be a paradox, there would be no one to save. If there's no one to save, there's no causes...no inequality, no lack of justice for the weak and innocent, no activists, no vegans, no victims. So how do we know, in that moment, if we're the hero or the victim? What makes us choose to fight, or give in? Is that the brink? Does the magic bolt of truth or "destiny" hit us and shock us into action?

So many believe in past lives, future lives, lessons we need to learn so we can go into the tunnel of light and emerge on the other side, knowing our path and living our truth. But how do we know what our truth is? If we're on the right path?

When I was 8 yrs old or so, I started saving animals. I saved half my lunches, and after school I would go feed my neighbour's dog...who they kept tied up in the backyard all the time. They wanted him to be a mean guard dog (he was a German Sheppard) and not interact with people. Well after a couple weeks, they found out what I was doing, and they stopped leaving him tied up out back and brought him inside to live with them. I learned a very valuable lesson. What we do, how we act...it matters to the lives of those we're trying to help. Even if we don't see what the outcome will be. You can't know that if you give someone money, or your time, or your talents..how that will affect them. I gave this dog food, and then he got to live inside with his family. I learned I could affect things. Real situations. Not just the hypothetical equations we learn in school. If you give 5 apples to Johnny, he gets to eat.

Shortly after that..well, the same year anyways, I accompanied my mother when she took our cat Garfield to the vet for her yearly appointment. And yes, we had a fish named Odie and a dwarf rabbit named John. Just thought I'd get it out there.  Anyways, I went to the vet. As soon as I walked in, or shortly thereafter, I saw the veterinary nurse. I can't recall what she looked like, because I really didn't pay attention to her face or body. All I saw was a white lab coat, scrubs, and a clipboard with a file on it. And I thought to myself "self; this will be you, one day".

I've never been in love at first sight. Yet. There's always a chance that will happen, I'm keeping my options open. But thinking about that moment long ago, I imagine that's what it would feel like. You have this, I don't know...certainty. An inexplicable knowing; that this is going to happen. And I knew. I would be that person someday. It wasn't until I was 18, when I was standing in front of a kennel where I worked, took the clipboard off the side of the cage to examine the patient chart, and realized I was wearing a lab coat that day because I had just finished some kind of messy job that required it....that I froze. I just froze. Moments collided. With all the shit, the moving around, the making new friends every year and getting kicked out of my house a week after graduating high school at 17 yrs old...this was it.. How was it possible. Does this mean I can dare to dream for more??? I'll explain another time, about being kicked out. But the facts were, I was on welfare, worked Saturdays at a vet clinic where I did a co-op in high school, and had no further goals except a pipe dream that sat on a cloud, thousands of miles away. Some day, I'll have “Jeanette's Animal Sanctuary” and I'll rescue all the needy animals and make them safe and healthy again. That was it. And now I'm on the brink.